A Men's Guide to Gift-Buying Safety

There are guys who are notorious for waiting until Christmas Eve at 3 p.m. to rush to the mall in search of a gift for the women in their lives. There are many reasons for this seemingly self-defeating behavior, but I believe the most prevalent reason is pure, unadulterated FEAR.

The quest for the perfect gift for a man's female significant other is studded with IEDs, land mines and stink bombs. Many men have just not been able to figure out where those hazards are located. Let me help.

But before I do, I need to acknowledge all my fellow bloggers here in Open Salon who have mastered the art of, not only hazard-free gift selection, but also the ability to strike a somewhat romantic chord in the process. This guide is not meant for you, but feel free to read along with your less accomplished brethren.

I will start with the DON'TS.

1. Back away from the urge to shop in the large and/or small appliance stores or departments. I understand. I get that you are simply making an effort to make her life a little easier. But, trust me; no woman wants to be reminded that you see her primary role as Chief Cook and Bottle Washer of the family. Just don't do it. No washers, no dryers, no irons, no George Foreman grills, no vacuum cleaners (not even Dysons!)

2. Remember for whom the gift is intended. Before you swerve into Victoria's Secret, ask yourself who will benefit from whichever diaphanous, skimpy or crotchless "garment" you select in there. I understand. I get that men are visually stimulated, and the very idea of seeing your beloved wrapped in a red chiffon teddy makes your scalp tingle. Just stop and think first. How will she interpret this gift?

3. Beware of edible gifts. If your woman is spending hundreds of dollars a week buying Jenny Craig or Nutri-System Meal Plan foods; if she is walking around the house with a measuring tape tied around her waist, you are going to get no points whatsoever for buying the most expensive Belgian Chocolate Truffles on the planet. I understand. I get that you think spending large sums of money signals the level of your love. Just don't do it. No chocolates, no Kansas City Steaks, no candy-studded caramel apples as big as your head, and no Harry and David towers of calories. No.

4. Gift cards are too easy. Sure, your kids will love you for them. They enjoy taking their gigantic (to them) sum of credited money to their retailer of choice and selecting those items that absolutely no adult would ever think of buying for them. I understand. I get that you think the gift card is the key to a win-win proposition. Just don't do it; not for your female significant other. She'll just smile and remind herself how clueless you are about letting her know how much she means to you. Or, even worse, she'll get the message that she doesn't mean enough to you for you to make an effort.

Okay. Land mines and other hazards are out of the way. What's a man to DO then?

1. Ask your woman to provide you with a complete list of her sizes; i.e., shirts, pants, bras, panties, dresses, shoes, Spanx, hats, gloves, belts, bracelets, necklaces and rings. If you keep that list in your wallet at all times, you will be able to select an entire wardrobe for your lady love without having to ask the sales associate what size she wears. The chances that the sales associate is actually the same size as your amour are slim to none.

2. Ask your woman what her favorite color is. Of course, this is something you should already know. If you don't, you don't. Ask. You will be amazed how much more traction you'll get out of that cashmere sweater if it's in her favorite color. No amount of cashmere will help if it is in the color that makes the lady look like she is seasick.

3. Pay attention to how she spends her spare time (Hah! Only we retired women really know what that is.) Does she watch figure skating on Sunday afternoons? A pair of tickets to a live show will have her nibbling your ear lobe. Is she into scrapbooking? Buy a blank scrapbook or two. Is she an art collector? A lithograph (even a small one) by her favorite artist will have her bragging to her girlfriends about how utterly wonderful you are.


4. Plan ahead just a little bit more. When you are armed with all this knowledge, you won't feel afraid to make a selection, so there will be no need to procrastinate. You can actually save yourself a few bucks by buying a gift bag and tissue yourself instead of paying for gift wrapping services at the department store.

So, guys, if you truly want

Peace On your section of Earth, and Good Will toward You,

this guide's for you.