Snooki Takes Today

Somebody hold me back. No, really. I am about to lose it.

Contrary to some of my friends' opinion, I am not an egghead. Yes, I like to read,and I read a lot. But I'm not above awaking every morning and reaching for my bedside remote control. I usually watch The Today Show with Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira.

What with monstrous Arizona mayhem and monster East Coast winter storms creating angst and suffering from LA to NYC, imagine my reaction when I looked up from my keyboard (yes, I admitted in a recent post to being a multi-tasking maniac) to see Matt Lauer interviewing Snooki from the MTV train wreck Jersey Shore.

Why? Because Snooki, the 23-year-old Jersey girl whose most recent claim to fame is being arrested for public drunkenness on a Jersey beach, HAS WRITTEN A NOVEL! Yes, of course I am shouting. Gallery Books, in their infinite greed wisdom, has probably rejected manuscripts from dozens of the talented writers who toil on this web site and elected to publish this 289-page tribute to trash.

I've never watched the TV show that created other sterling examples of young adulthood like The Situation, stiff-backed, rhythm-challenged, hair gel model of Dancing With the Stars "fame." Considering her ubiquitous presence in every form of mass media lately, I figured I must have missed her intellectual side, so I paid closer attention to the interview this morning.

Here's what I *learned*:

A Shore Thing took Nicole Polizzi (Snooki) three months to write.

"It was pretty hard, but I got it done," said Snooki about her effort in partnership with co-writer Valerie Frankel.
The story about a fictional character called Gia is not intended to be "guidelines to be a Guidette," Snooki told Lauer. I knew at that moment that Matt and I were going to need a glossary.

Guidette: Thanks to the online Urban Dictionary* I now know this is "the female counterpart to the guido. Usually moderately attractive, with nice fake tits but in desperate need of a nose job."

Guido: A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area.*

Bedunk: Snooki told Lauer during the interview that this refers to one's butt, as in bedunkadunk, which usually describes a very large derriere. Think J-Lo or Beyonce.

Benny: According to Snooki, a New Yorker who goes to the Jersey Shore.

Weenus: The wrinkled skin on a straightened elbow. Huh? you ask. Maybe this verse I found in the Urban Dictionary will help.

Weenus,

It is a flap of skin.

Weenus,

It holds your elbows in.

Weenus,

It sounds like penis,

But it is weenus,

Oh, Yes, It is!!!

I read somewhere that the season premiere of The Jersey Shore on January 6, 2011 garnered 8.45 million viewers, an MTV record. According to Matt Lauer, that show featured Snooki getting punched in the face by a guy.

"That wasn't good," Snooki responded. "But I only party like that during the summer."

What does Snooki see for her future? The Snooki Brand, of course.

As I said, somebody hold me back!

Photo: MTV.com