The Jerk and the Witch Had a Date

 

Perkier-than-thou Christine O’Donnell has returned from the darkness of shame and rejection to peddle a book she allegedly wrote. Whoever chose the title, Troublemaker, slipped up and told the truth.

I’d like to send a gift to the publicist who decided it would be a good idea to book O’Donnell on the Piers Morgan Show. If ever there was a train wreck just waiting to happen… this was the dumbest booking in the history of television.

Prim, bubbly little Chrissy made a surreptitious sign of the cross before the interview taping begins. Of course, somebody saw it and tipped Piers off. Sound the Kentucky Derby bugles. They are off to the races.

Piers Morgan is making a career out of out-Simon-Cowelling Simon Cowell, vying for the Snarkiest TV Host Alive award. In an ever-growing list of British transplants to American television who use their clipped, upper-class accents to skewer and barbecue singers, jugglers, yodelers, dancers, magicians and opera singers alike, all for the amusement of their economy-weary viewers who are mad as hell and not inclined to take it anymore – Cowell of American Idol soon to be X Factor, Len Goodman of Dancing with the Stars, Nigel Lithgoe of So You Think You Can Dance, and Piers Morgan of America’s Got Talent and his current nighttime interview show supposedly designed to replace Larry King Live – Morgan is the all-time nasty-ass of the bunch.

So the taping actually happens, against all rational odds. Morgan uses his faux charm to make O’Donnell think he might have decided to play according to her rules; i.e. soft balls only. The drool dripping from the sides of Morgan’s mouth goes unnoticed by the chirpy guest.

Then the fun begins.

Morgan: Christine O'Donnell ran for the Senate from Delaware. She's a Tea Party darling and yes, she infamously dabbled in witchcraft when she was in high school. She's also the author of a new book with the intriguing title, "Troublemaker."

And Christine O'Donnell joins me.

Christine O'Donnell, how are you?

O'DONNELL: I'm doing well. Good to see you, Piers

.
MORGAN: I can't help but notice you did the sign of the cross as you sat down there. Was it -- is it because you're nervous about the interview? Or --

O'DONNELL: No, I did it off camera. I didn't realize you were watching. I do that just because ever since my very first TV interview, I just pray. You know, and ask for God's blessing on what I'm about to say.

MORGAN: Well, I got relieved. I was expecting some kind of devil worshipping sign.
(LAUGHTER)…

Morgan refused to follow O’Donnell’s script. He reminded her of her early look-see into witchcraft. O’Donnell’s smiling response: “Let’s not go there, Piers.”

He asked her if she still thought masturbation was a bad idea. O’Donnell’s far less smiling response: “Let’s not go there, Piers.”

Then he asked a direct and relevant, even to her, question about gay marriage. Visibly shaken and sans any trace of a real smile – more like a grimace, maybe – O’Donnell removes her lavaliere mike while her handler parks his broad back directly in front of the camera, creating a totally black screen.

Best late-night television I’ve seen in years!

Is there some sort of boot camp run by Republicans in this country for the sole purpose of grooming pretty brunettes who can speak in semi-complete sentences to become distractions for their rank and file members who are less inclined to listen for signs of intelligence than they are for glossy hair and twinkling eyes? Where are all these women coming from?

I wonder if they all have memberships in the Screen Actors’ Guild, comedy division.