A Fly on the Cains’ Wall

I happened to have flown into the patio door at the Cain’s suburban manse and was hanging out on the wall above the fireplace when the Pizza Man finally made his appearance.  Being a fly and all, I’m not very tuned in to  politics, presidential campaigns and such, so  what happened next came as a bit of an unexpected melodrama.

To the best of my ability, I have tried to recall what I witnessed in the family room of Gloria and Herman Cain.  Fact-checkers can go ahead and kiss my thorax now.

Gloria looked up from her needlepoint  when she heard the sounds of her returning husband struggling to push his luggage through the door from the garage.

“I see you finally dragged your sorry behind back here,” she said without looking at him.” Her Southern drawl was even stronger than usual.

“Hi, Sweetheart.  I’m so glad to see you.  I’ve had one helluva bad week.  Damned media!”

“Damned media?!?  So now it’s the media’s fault that your little bimbo spilled her hideous guts?  Don’t try that crap with me, Buster.  You are home now, where everybody in the house knows your trifling ass.  Save that disingenuous BS for your misguided “faithful.”

“Baby, I know you’re upset.  I can explain.  Just let me go upstairs and catch a shower and change my clothes.  Then I will tell you everything.”

“Why, so you can wash the stench of whichever skank you had with you in the hotel before you left?  No, let’s hear it right here, right now!”

Herman Cain ran a sweaty palm over his bald cranium.  He threw his black fedora onto the granite countertop that divided their gleaming stainless steel kitchen from the spacious living area where Gloria Cain sat, strangely calm.  I played dead, hoping nobody decided to take a swat at me before what promised to be a brouhaha began.

Herman Cain sat in his recliner, next to the sofa where Gloria sat stabbing the needlepoint project with her sharp-pointed needle – down…up…down…up – with a wild-eyed smirk adorning her pretty face.  He cleared his throat.

“The woman is lying, Glo.  I never touched her.  You know how good-hearted I am.  I saw a person who was struggling and I wanted to help.  So I let her have a little money every now and then to keep her and her kids from being out on the streets.”

Gloria Cain laid down her work, threw her dainty head back and howled with laughter.  She laughed so hard and so long, tears began to stream down her face.  Then, without warning, her laughter changed to sobs.

“How dare you try that garbage with me, you sorry piece of shit.”

“Gloria!  You never swear.  What…”

“Oh, shut up!  And don’t try bringing up God, the church or anything resembling a lecture on being a lady.  It’s just you and me in this one, and I have had it with you and your foolishness.  Now spill it, do you hear me?”

“Honey, I think somebody is paying that woman to say those things.”

“Really, Herman?   You mean the way you were paying her up to two grand a month to, what, just be your friend?  For 13 freakin’ years, you were worried she would be evicted?  Even after you paid her rent…over and over and over again?  Puh-leeze.”

“Well, I…"

“What the hell do you want from me, Herman?  You know I’m not buying your lies.  You know I never have.  You have screwed up big time this time, and I’m done with you embarrassing this family.  As far as I’m concerned, you can turn around and put those bags right back in the trunk of your car and get the hell out of here. And don’t forget to call your lawyer.”

“But, Baby, I need your help.  I need you to stand with me at the press conference.  If you want me to pull out of the race, I will, but I need the public to believe you and I are okay.”

Gloria Cain rose from the sofa and leaned into Herman Cain’s face.  “Have you lost your goddamned mind?  I don’t even want to be seen with you in this room.  Why would you think I would help you mislead the public any more than you already have?  Honestly, Herman, you are a piece of work!”

Herman cradled his face in his two hands.  His shoulders heaved as he stifled his own silent sobs.  And Gloria realized those sobs were not for what he’d done to her and their kids.  She knew his despair was all about him.

After a long silence, Gloria grabbed Herman’s chin and lifted his face to hers.  A sinister smile crossed her face.

“Tell you what.  I’ll stand up there while you lie your way out of your campaign.  I’ll even stand behind you a few steps and smile up at your lying face adoringly.  But it will be the last time I ever do it.  And it will cost you.”

Herman Cain was taken aback.  He didn’t recognize this woman who was clearly seizing an opportunity.
“Wha…what do you mean, Gloria?  Are you asking me for a divorce?”

“I’m not ASKING you for anything, Herman.  I’m TELLING you.  You will never be able to write another check to anybody ever again.  You will sign over 100% of your assets to me.  Today.  And, no.  There will be no divorce.  Ever.  But you will move away from this house into a condo that I will own.  You will be given an allowance for food and gas. Everything else will go through me.  Take it or leave it.”
“Oh, and Herman.  On your way out, take that stupid-looking hat off my counter!”