Take racism, for example. I have seen it at work; I have been hurt by it. I am not at all suffering under the delusion that this country is in a post-racial phase of its evolution. I have been followed by sales associates at Marshall Field in Chicago and in Parisian in Atlanta. I have participated in online dating services, where men seeking women to meet check every single racial category EXCEPT African American as candidates for their ideal women. That hurts me to my core.
But here's the thing: I am multi-racial, a mixture of Caucasian, African American and Native American, in almost equal parts. I have ancestors who came to America on the Mayflower. I have ancestors who were forced to America against their will. And I have ancestors who were already here when the rest of those folks arrived.
I had the luxury of being raised with representatives of all those categories present in my daily life. I love and respect all of them, almost equally, and I have learned a lot about their cultural similarities and their cultural differences.
There is one particular characteristic I have found among all the races I have known and loved: they sometimes say and do stupid things that don't reflect their ethics, their beliefs or their general attitude about people. Mindless comments have flown out of the mouths of people I look up to, words that have sometimes stopped me in my tracks. The operative word is Mindless. Nobody-- nobody I know anyway-- takes the time to filter their every thought through the insult-o-meter or the sensitivity checker. Out it comes, like projectile vomit.
Often, people do things that turn out to be a mistake; like break a law. Ignorance of the law is not a defense against guilt. If you did it, you are guilty. However, even the legal system differentiates between breaking the law with or without intent. Let me give you an example of this from my real life:
When I was a student at a small, liberal arts college in Wisconsin, I was the only minority woman in the entire student body of around 800. The majority of the students enrolled there were from Wisconsin and Illinois. For some of them, it was the first time they had had the opportunity to interact with someone who was not Swedish, Norwegian or some other shade of white.
In the early 1960s, smoking was cool, especially among us women who had "come such a long way, baby." (slogan for Virginia Slims cigarettes) Care packages from home for me often included a carton of Marlboros or Winstons. "Bumming" cigarettes was de rigueur around the dorm, and it wasn't unusual for someone to ask for a drag of some other girl's "butt." On this particular day, TAnnie asked for and was given a puff on Polly's Parliament. "Eeewwwww!" screamed Annie. "You nigger-lipped it!"
*crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*
Me: "Excuse me? What did you say?"
She repeated it! Neither she nor any of the other girls in the room had a clue that she had said something offensive. That is, until I turned purple, turned on my heels and slammed the door behind me. Annie came to my room with a wild-eyed look of total confusion. I explained through my tears, and she, too, began to cry.
The term she used meant that when the cigarette was passed to her, the previous puffer had left the filter wet with saliva. It was something Annie had learned while growing up on her father's dairy farm, and she had never given much thought to the fact that the most pejorative term she could have dreamed up to use in my presence was very much a part of it.
Many, maybe most -- I don't know-- black people would have written Annie off as a racist and severed all association with her. But, after I forced my heart rate back to a normal pace, the throbbing in my head subsided and I was able to think. This young girl had no more intended to offend me than my own mother did. Yes, she was guilty of being vapid, unaware, out of touch and stupid for repeating something she picked up in a barnyard, but, in my humble opinion, she didn't deserve banishment. If she had stood in my face, wagging her finger and screaming the N-word, she probably wouldn't have lived through the beating. But that isn't what she did. So I sat down with her and explained how that and a boatload of other commonly used expressions can be and are offensive to someone.
After 44 more years of trying to navigate life without a clear cut side to take, I still come out in the same place. So the other day, when an OS blogger wrote about how older white women are always walking up to her African American husband in Whole Foods, assuming that he works there, I understood that he was experiencing the most intransigent form of cultural racism, but I chose to give the "old birds" the benefit of the doubt. Isn't it possible, after all, that at least a few of those women simply felt safe enough with the guy to ask him a shopping question? Although I wasn't singled out, my position was taken to task by another blogger who wrote that answers like mine showed denial.
I don't want people assuming ANYTHING about me based upon the color of my skin. I was simply trying to afford the "older white ladies" the same courtesy. If that is wrong, fine, but I don't think it fits an ism, so I think I'll stay the way I am.
One more thing. Some of you might be pondering my self-identity as African American, given the fact that I am one-third white, one-third black and one-third Native American. I didn't do that; the race-conscious American culture did.
I would label you "teacher," L. We need patient teachers like you. And gentleness is something we perhaps did not earn, but recognize instantly. I think most of us hunger for harmony! Thank you for leaving the door open.
ReplyDeleteElora
PS--I like your new format!
I second Elora. I would call you a gentlewoman, one who sees life the way it really is and who chooses to take the high road. While my parents were raised in the south and in very poor families (a double dose of what had the potential for making them major rednecks)they were kind and loving people who taught me early on that people were just people and that we all are important and valuable. But more importantly they taught me to give people the benefit of the doubt. I consider myself one of the "older white ladies" and I know that if I have to approach someone in a store for help I pick the person who smiles back at me and who looks kind...that's my only criteria. blessings, marlene
ReplyDeleteElora- That's the nicest thing you can call me -- teacher. Thanks
ReplyDeleteMarlene- I know there were a lot of white families in the south that taught their children correctly. I'm glad to know your parents either didn't buy covention or were lucky enough to have the good kind of southern parents.
L.