That's Annoying! or Oprah Drives Me Crazy

The movie Grumpy Old Men (1993) cracked me up.  Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau were at their character-acting best playing codgers with a life-long beef vying for the attentions of a sexy new neighbor.

I was still in my forties (okay, late forties!) when that movie came out, and I thought these two snarky characters were exaggerations, made grouchier than reality for the sake of theater.  Surely, I thought, not everyone gets prickly as they age.  I know I won’t.  

There’s a good chance I was mistaken.

Today, 17 years later, I find myself having my nerves grated by something or someone on a daily basis.  Somebody’s tailgating as I’m driving to the supermarket.  Thoughts of slamming on the brakes cross my mind.  Somebody cuts me off in traffic.  I actually flip them the bird in their rear view mirror.  However, given the recent escalation of gunplay in broad daylight on the recession-addled streets of Atlanta, I have learned to stifle that particular outburst and just swear loudly in the soundproof solitude of my car.

The place where I am most likely to come unglued on any given day, however, is not on the byways of the city at large, but right here on my sofa.  I am not among the majority of the people around here who swear they haven’t turned on their TV since the election returns of 2008.  No, I am not a television snob, so I do watch non-stop a fair amount of the time.  The majority of that time it is simply background noise, to ease my aversion to total silence.  It’s on while I write this, in fact – that cute young Doctor Travis Stork is telling us what to eat to help with that other symptom of advanced age, flatulence.

Lately I have noticed myself grinding my teeth when certain personalities break through my multi-tasking haze.  It is happening so often I have actually created categories of annoying behaviors that can set my eroding molars right on their edges.

Oprah

Yes, the powerful Ms. Winfrey gets a category of her very own.  There is not a personality out there who can hold a candle to the big O’s ability to get on my last nerve.  The other day she was interviewing her childhood heartthrob Jermaine Jackson.  This clearly-beyond-childhood matron made an absolute fool of herself batting her false eyelashes and declaring her undying devotion to this extremely uncomfortable old performer.  I thought she was going to jump into George W. Bush’s lap and kiss him during that recent interview!

And don’t get me started on the way she “sings” the names of her high-profile guests to bring them onstage or when she announces one of her legendary giveaways.

Finally, why does Oprah say everything twice?  “We’ll be right back.  We’ll be right back.”  “Twelve years old.  Twelve years old.”  Arrrrgh.

 Voices

When Elisabeth Hasselbeck (The View) opens her mouth to speak, the hairs on my arms stand at attention.  To my ears, she sounds like a baby bird with a mouthful of worms trying to warble with the volume too loud.  Some might think I have this reaction because of her incessant reciting of the Republican buzz-words of the week or her visible pique whenever anyone even mentions the name Obama.  Nope.  Her voice drove me nuts way back when she was a waif getting waifier (word?) on Survivor: The Australian Outback. 

Other voices that annoy:  Terri Seymour (Simon Cowell’s ex whose voice is seriously and permanently hoarse, unfortunately, from Lupus,) Barbara Walters, Nancy Grace, Gloria Allred, TJ Holmes (CNN) and anyone, anywhere who over- enunciates)

Mannerisms

I don’t even know myself why I continue to watch The View.  Just about everything those women do lately sends me over the edge.  I have been annoyed by Barbara Walters for what seems like my entire life and yet, here I am, 15 minutes from watching today’s show.  I don’t know if she is slowing down even more after her heart surgery, but it takes her half the show just to whisper a point.  And, because she is the boss, the others don’t dare interrupt her or attempt to finish her sentence.   But it’s her hands that get to me most.  They spend most of their time in the air, bent at the wrist in the manner of a crossing guard warning the kiddies to wait until told to go on.

Sherri Shepherd takes hand gesturing to a new level.  I think she is trying to distract us from noticing how utterly inarticulate she still is after all this time on the show.  There are times when I fear (not!) she will slap herself upside the head.

For those unfamiliar with Joy Behar’s endless mannerisms, tune in to Saturday Night Live; Fred Armisen will show you.  “So what?  Who cares?”  And if I ever were to end up on that stage with those women, I would carry a pair of scissors to snip off Whoopi’s front dreadlocks so she can get it the hell out of her eyes!

NOTE:  You are not going to believe this, but The View just came on and they are discussing (wait for it, wait for it) grumpiness as we age!  I kid you not.

Fast Talkers

I’m from up north, so I’m pretty sure I once talked much faster than I do today.  Southerners tend to speak a lot more slowly and I think I’ve probably caught the cadence.  But there are some people who talk so fast I can barely understand them.  My sister’s boyfriend is one.  She actually interprets for him.

 

Among celebrities, though, it is Anderson Cooper who takes the prize for talking faster than the speed of light.  I think very highly of Cooper; I think he is a superior broadcast journalist.  I really want to hear what he has to say, but sometimes I get winded just trying to grab every other word or so.  C’mon, Coop.  Slow down!

Miscellaneous Offenders

Ultra “spiritual” people who talk about energy fields, being “saved”, their essences, being centered, feng shui, etc.

Perky women with gummy grins aka Katie Couric.

The Duggers

Real Housewives of Anywhere on Earth

Billy Ray Cyrus

Repetitious speech habits; e.g., “Do you know what I mean?” (usually not) “You know?” (usually not)  “KnowwhatI’msayin’?” (usually not).

Man!  Now I’m all on edge.  Going out for a walk.