Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Life Just Changed For My Family

I am clearly about to burst. I have screamed. I have thanked God. I have cried. And so has he.



"He" is my son, the actor. He has been fighting for six weeks for a role in a major motion picture about the Oakland As. His uncanny resemblance to former Atlanta Braves star David Justice has always been a topic of discussion. When he played in the Braves' Single and Double A minors, the other players called him Baby Dave. David Justice and Baby Dave sat at my kitchen table on more than one occasion while I piled their plates high with comfort food.

Today, he had the final audition with the director of the movie. After two call-backs following the initial audtion; after an entire day hitting both right and left-handed at the ball park for the movie's baseball coordinator; after a scheduled table read that was suddenly unscheduled because Mr. Pitt or Mr. Seymour Hoffman couldn't coordinate their calendars,and after the 4:30 p.m. (PDT) audition with the director, They Offered Him the Part!

My son, the actor, will play David Justice in a film. I don't know the name of it. I don't know when it will be released. I don't know how much my son will be paid. I just know that another one of his dreams came true not 20 minutes ago. I love that kid/man. He is the most determined, focused, tenacious and resilient child I have. Okay. He's the only child I have, so sue me.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Great Dads Don't Need DNA

A dad is a guy who tells his daughter how to handle boys. He teaches her the responsibilities of driving a car, insisting that she demonstrate to him her ability to change a flat tire without assistance.


A dad is a man who delights in his daughter's every triumph. He brags shamelessly to his cronies and carries her picture in his wallet.

A dad sends the evil-eye across the room to her waiting date as she descends the stairs after four hours of preparation. He's the one who talks her mother into allowing the red lipstick, but is silently daring the poor guy to even THINK about kissing those cherry ripe lips.

A dad calls his daughter back into the house for just a second so he can give her an extra $20 for cab fare in case what'shisname gets *fresh.*

Not all dads are fathers and not all fathers are dads.

My dad was not my father. My birth father was divorced by my mother when I was four and he was barred from seeing me. And so he didn't. A dad would have fought tooth and nail, done whatever it took to see his little girl.

My dad was my mother's husband. They married when I was already 17 years old. He was crazy about my mother, had been for many years, and soon he was crazy about my younger sister and me, too.

Not long after they married, I went off to Ripon College. It was legal for 18 year-olds to drink beer in Wisconsin. When I came home for the first Christmas break, my dad surprised me with a six-pack of Heineken's, a huge step up from the Old Milwaukee I drank to save money. The two of us sat at the kitchen table until well into the next morning, doing what we both loved to do --arguing about philosophy, women's lib, politics, religion, books--and drinking beer. He was the most well-educated man I've ever known, and he never finished high school.

I never called my dad Dad. It's complicated, but I just couldn't do it at that stage of my life. He never minded that. He introduced me to his friends as My Daughter. He cried in the audience as I became the first person in my entire family to graduate from college. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding. I'll always remember the sound of his rich bass voice when he answered the priest's query "Who gives this woman in marriage?" "Her mother and I do," he boomed.

He cheered me on during my career, beaming whenever I did something notable. He held my hand while I cried about my marriage breaking up. He said, " I don't care who wins, as long as it's you."

My dad is gone now. It was I who rubbed Capsaicin on his joints to try to ease the pain he endured from end-stage bone cancer. I don't carry his genes. No DNA test will ever confirm that we were related. He was not my father. But he was the best dad a girl could ask for.

Monday, June 14, 2010

It's Up Again

Remember this?


It fell apart two weeks ago -- the greedy bank wouldn't accept
 the offered amount to satisfy my obligation.

Copious tears,

Rabid anger,

Decided to move anyway.


As of last night, it's back to this:


Super clean offer,

no house to sell

and

$46,000 more than the failed one.

I'm back on the road to salvation.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Tripping to Tougaloo Part 4: Conclusion


Part 1      Part 2      Part 3

The Spanish moss draping softly over the limbs of stately trees provided a lacy canopy over the main road. That, combined with the almost suffocating humidity that dampened every scrap of fabric on their bodies, was reinforcement of the fact that they weren’t in Wisconsin anymore. The five visitors from Ripon College were on Day 3 of their exchange experience at Tougaloo, College. It was 1964.


The Tougaloo students were understandably proud of their bucolic campus. They were also anxious to show off their academic prowess, so the Ripon students and their professor attended several classes with them. As a result, more friendships emerged, their temporary social circle expanded, and if there had been any hesitance or uneasiness about having these four white and one black alien-beings from the storied north moving about, there was no trace of it that day.

Every evening to date had been spent at the juke joint. Rayne, who earlier was careful to hide her smug amusement at the three guys’ utter lack of rhythm, was delighted to see them loosening up on the dance floor, swinging and swaying to the sounds of the blues and jazz tunes played by the house band.

The plan for after classes that day was for a group to go shopping in downtown Jackson. Rayne thought she’d better snag some kind of souvenir to give to her mother, who was not exactly pleased with her eldest daughter at the moment. The night before, Rayne finally ran out of excuses and called to let her mom know what she was up to.

There was no need to go into specifics – like Rayne’s adrenalin-soaked tour of the Jackson White Citizens Council, or the harrowing trip from Wisconsin to Mississippi. “Mama would have a cat if she knew any of that,” she told herself. She thought it best to just play it down and fess up in a few decades.

After classes, a group of students from both schools piled into cars owned by Ripon’s Doc Alexander and two Tougaloo students. Their parent-provided cars made Doc’s look like a front-runner candidate for some junkyard. Rayne had been surprised to discover that many of Tougaloo’s students came from aristocratic *Negro* families who lived in palatial homes on hyper-tended grounds. Houses like that were visible everywhere as one drove out of the boonies into Jackson. They looked like the mansions along Lake Michigan that Rayne fantasized about owning some day.

Typical of college students, everyone was talking at once when they stopped spilling out of the three cars onto the scalding sidewalk in Jackson. Some wanted to eat lunch. Some wanted to shop. Some wanted to stroll. So they divided themselves accordingly, agreed to a meet-back-here time, and set off to have a little fun.

Rayne and Reid were still smitten from their discovery of each other during the trip down from Wisconsin. They decided to be a group unto themselves so they could have some time alone. Strolling side-by-side, Reid lightly placed the palm of his right hand along the small of Rayne’s back in his typically protective manner. They weren’t holding hands, and there was nothing else that smacked of a public display of affection. They were two people enjoying each other’s company.

Standing in front of a department store window, the couple saw the reflection of a large figure standing behind them at the very moment that it yelled, “What the hell is going on here?”

Rayne was so sure the police officer with the face reddened to a strange shade of purple was speaking to someone else, she barely turned around. That’s when he put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around.

Reid’s face suddenly matched that of the obviously irate cop. He puffed up to his full six feet of height and barked, “What’s your problem, Officer? There’s no need to put your hands on my… her.”

“Listen, here, Sonny. We don’t do this kind of thing down here, do you hear me?”

“Do what kind of thing? We were standing here window shopping. Is window shopping against the law in Jackson?”

Rayne’s alarms, which had really been working overtime these past few days, went off again. This wasn’t going to turn out well, she was pretty damn sure of that. With a swift poke of her elbow into his Canadian rib cage, she hoped to remind him that they weren’t in Canada anymore either!

That policeman was by then apoplectic. His thick, red neck spilled over his stiffened shirt collar, and his carotid artery was fully visible, pulsating dangerously. He literally spat his next words.

“Listen, boy. You can take your little nigger gal back to where you came from or you can go to jail. It’s up to you.”

The word jail was all that was needed to bring Reid back to his senses. He assured the cop that jail wouldn’t be necessary, that it was all just a misunderstanding with us not being from around here and all. He vowed to keep his hands to himself and to rejoin the rest of our group, so as not to look so conspicuous.

They turned to retrace their steps back to the car. There was a commotion about a block away on the other side of the busy street. Rayne, still shaking from fright and from the sting of hearing the word nigger shot directly at her for the first time in her life -- that she could hear, anyway -- mouthed the words, “Oh my God.”

A paddy wagon was parked catawampus to the curb. A small group of young men and women, black and white, were yelling, the women screaming and crying. Every so often a police baton would be raised above the heads of the onlookers, then disappear again. When it did, the girls screamed louder.

As Rayne and Reid got closer, he was first to realize what they were seeing. Their classmate, Larry and Tougaloo student Michael, were being rousted, beaten with a club! The now familiar red-faced look of fierce hatred was etched on the faces of two Jackson officers. There was one white girl, not known to the couple, standing mute near the action. The rest were black Tougaloo students, two girls, one guy all visibly terrified and poised to run.

Rayne fell to her knees, also screaming. Reid pulled her up and begged her to be silent to avoid attracting the attention of the cops. Rayne saw nothing but the blood gushing from a gash in Dick’s head, near the hairline. He looked dazed and confused and was not fighting back. She thought they were killing him.

Larry was trying to reason with the cops. That’s the way Larry confronted most things – with reason. But Reid could see it was for naught. Finally, with two lifts and a dual shove, Dick and Michael disappeared into the paddy wagon. The monsters slammed the doors, jumped in the van and sped off, presumably to jail.

Rayne and Reid dashed across the street, dodging traffic, to talk to the remaining, shell-shocked students. The white girl, who they would learn had joined the group spontaneously somewhere along the way, spoke in a rapid, almost maniacal cadence. She spoke with a distinctly New York accent.

“I was walking with Michael, talking about school. This wild-assed cop squeals up in his big, bad, paddy wagon, and jumps out like he’s going to a fire or something. The ugly one starts hollering at Michael – something about Michael molesting a white women or some such nonsense. I thought he was talking about something that had happened in the past, because there was no molesting going on here!” Amy was her name. Her eyes were dark brown and huge with shock.

“What were you guys doing? Why did they stop?” Rayne asked. She was still seeing Dick’s blood running down into his eyes.

Leon, the other *Negro* student, shook his head violently. “Nothing!” he shouted. “We were walking down the street. Period. But the police saw Michael walking next to Amy and decided he must have been molesting her or kidnapping her or who knows what?”

What was left of the student group sent Amy on her way and ran back to the cars. They had to get back to campus to tell Doc what happened. He had to save Dick and Michael, before they beat them to death.

When Doc entered the police station about 40 minutes later, he was greeted with a warm smile from the desk officer. “Yes, suh. How can we hep yew?” As soon as Doc uttered the first few words, displaying his Wisconsin accent, all bets were off.

“Oh you’re the one who carried them students from up north down here to meddle in our business, huh? You should have stayed up there where you belong, but if you were comin’, you should have taught them young’uns about our ways. That nigger was asking for trouble and you know it. He’d a never have tried that shit if y’all hadn’t filled his mind with Yankee bullshit.”

While making this speech, the desk officer grabbed a ring of keys and left the room. He returned with Dick and Michael in tow. Although the jails were segregated too, in this case they ‘punished’ Dick by throwing him in a cell full of *Negroes.*

What a sight they were. Doc later told Rayne that he nearly vomited when he saw how they had beaten those boys. Michael had gotten the worst of the deal, but Dick was in a bad way. They both stared at the floor – nowhere else.

When they returned to campus, the Ripon group gathered in the dining hall to de-brief. They were all beside themselves, Doc included. “We have to pack our things and leave before dark. We have been ordered out of Mississippi and instructed to drive straight through back to Wisconsin. Just like before, we will be followed. We can only stop long enough to get food and go to the bathroom. Let’s get the hell outta here and go home.”

Rayne buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

THE END

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Tripping to Tougaloo -- Part 3

Part1       Part 2



They had reached their destination alive and intact, but definitely the worse for wear.

Four Ripon College (WI) students – three white males, one*Negro* female – who a day ago had left their serene campus with their Psychology professor, ostensibly to complete an exchange program with some Mississippi students, were in their respective dorm rooms, waking from a much-needed nap. These dorm rooms, however, were on the campus of Tougaloo College, a small *Negro* campus just outside of Mississippi’s capitol of Jackson.

The group, along with Doc (Bill Alexander, Ph.D.) had been invited to a dinner in their honor in the campus dining hall. What a welcome change that was, being honored instead of followed through three states by various and sundry law enforcement vehicles.

There were speeches about how important exchanges such as this were to the furtherance of the Civil Rights Movement; speeches touting the ways both colleges were seeking to accomplish the same things, regardless of which race they were; i.e., excellence; speeches from one of the students who had spent a comparable period of time on Ripon’s campus and wanted to share her observations.

Rayne and her classmates, being the 19 and 20-year-olds that they were, soon became restless. Some of the Tougaloo kids had made plans with the Ripon visitors to hit one of the – well, the ONLY juke joint in the vicinity, which was located just a few yards from the campus entrance gate.





Merigold,Mississippi Juke Joint



Once the formalities in the dining hall finally came to a close, the new group of friends gathered outside for the walk to the juke joint. Doc went along, too. They all needed blow off the head of steam that had built up during their terrifying drive to what turned out to be a very different America.

Rayne and Reid, now overtly involved with each other, walked behind the larger group holding hands. They failed to notice the slack-jawed stares they were causing; it never occurred to them that such a public display of affection between a white person and a black person totally out of the question in these parts. Fortunately, all the people at Tougaloo College had been prepared for something unusual that week.

Rayne, whose dad had been an Airman stationed in Selma, Alabama, for a couple of years, was familiar with the concept of ‘juke joint.’ Her dad was a real music lover who played a lot of blues, honky-tonk and jazz music at their Illinois home. But Reid, Dick and Larry were expecting to hear what they heard when everybody piled into Ripon’s one and only beer bar, The Spot. They thought they were going to throw down a few Old Milwaukee ‘brewskis’ and dance the night away to the Beatles or the Kingsmen's Louie, Louie.

Reid whispered to Rayne, “I’m kind of nervous. I have never been in a situation before where I was the minority. The three of us are going to stick out like sore thumbs.” Rayne assured him it would be fine, but her mind said, “I’m not nervous, I’m scared. Who knows what might happen?”

Rayne and Reid were far too innocent to know this, but had their pairing been reversed – if Rayne had been white and Reid a *Negro* their reception would have been totally different. No Southern black patron in that juke joint would have wanted to be within a mile of a black man escorting a white woman. Black men died for just looking at white women.

What did happen that night was that they all danced and drank and partied far into the night. Yes, when the group first walked through the door, the buzz of multiple conversations came to an abrupt halt, and all heads turned to see what the other person was looking at. That took a few seconds. It was followed by a silent “as you were;” all returned to the way it had been.

Nursing hangovers, nothing new for any of these folks, the group gathered at the breakfast table in the dining hall to plan their day. The first stop? The White Citizens Council in downtown Jackson, MS.

“What am I supposed to do while you guys go over there?” Rayne asked no one in particular.

“You are coming with us,” Doc said, surprised.

“Umm, how’s that going to work, Doc?” This was Reid, the dragon-slayer, determined to protect his woman of 24 hours.

“It’ll be fine. You’ll see. Just let me do all the talking.” Doc seemed smug. He repeated these words as we stepped off the rickety elevator in the lobby of Jackson’s White Citizens Council.

“Good morning, suh. How can I help yew?” The receptionist smiled with all the Southern Hospitality one would expect in the Deep South.

“We’d like to take the tour,” Doc said with puzzling confidence.

“Is your group all white, suh?” She was looking Rayne dead in the eye.

“Of course. Oh, you mean Rayne? She’s from Hawaii. Does that count?”

Rayne almost swallowed her tongue. She had often been mistaken for something other than what she was, but never had she purposely passed.* “Oh, God,” she thought, “we are going to die.”

The receptionist glanced at Rayne a second time, then rose to lead the group on the grand tour. Rayne’s nerves were already frayed from the trip down. This was far worse. There would be no escaping the wrath of the law if someone turned them in.

As usual, her fear triggered an urgent need for a restroom. Finding her inner actress, Rayne asked in her most elegant northern accent for directions to the Ladies Room. It was then that she was convinced that the receptionist had bought their story, because she didn’t hesitate to send her out into the lobby.

Glad to have a chance to be alone and catch her breath one more time, Rayne suddenly stopped walking. She stood in front of two drinking fountains: one with a sign above it that read White. She glanced over at the second fountain marked Colored. Her throat was emery dry, but she was passing.

Never mind, she thought. I’ll just use the restroom.

But when she reached the door to the restroom, she was again faced with a dilemma much too complicated for her young years. There were two doors, side-by-side. The one on the right had a sign that read White Ladies. The one on the right read Colored Women.

Rayne felt the anger rise from the pit of her stomach to the tips of her ear lobes. White females were given the polite term to describe them. “We aren’t ladies, we’re women,” she thought. “They probably thought that was a concession. They probably wanted to call us Colored Females, like animals!”

Rayne knew what she had to do. Her bladder was still screaming at her, so she couldn’t just turn and go back. She took a quick look around, saw no one else in the lobby, and pushed through the door marked White Ladies. She knew she couldn’t put Doc in the position of having lied about her, so she had no other choice.

Just as Rayne opened the door to exit the restroom stall, the entrance door burst open. In walked two elderly women, white of course. One of them looked up, spotted Rayne and screamed at the top of her lungs. Rayne fled without washing her hands – she’d do that when she woke up from this nightmare – and rushed back to her group. For the rest of the tour, she focused her attention over her shoulder.

Rayne was furious with Doc. He seemed to be playing a game of chicken with these people, and Rayne wasn’t thrilled about being the guinea pig. When they finally made it back to the car, she let him have it.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again, Doc! I mean it. Don’t do it again.”



Juke Joint Photo by Bill Steeber



Coming next: The Conclusion



* Passing for white was a common term in those days, describing light-skinned Negroes who could be mistaken as white and who didn’t do anything to change that impression.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Tripping to Tougaloo Part 2


The tired, decidedly un-fresh group of Wisconsin college students and their psychology professor drove all night after being denied a hotel room in Effingham, Illinois. It was spring, 1964.

The lone female student in the group was also African American. The snippy clerk at the hotel they’d hoped to check into had told them in no uncertain terms that the hotel “didn’t take Nigras.”

Each licensed driver took a turn driving in the darkness, carefully avoiding doing anything to attract the attention of local highway police patrols. They had been naïve enough to believe they could get a hotel room in southern Illinois, but they had been warned repeatedly about the humorless cops who enjoyed nothing more than harassing righteous people from up north heading to Mississippi to stir up trouble.

As the professor’s ancient car crossed the border from Tennessee into Mississippi, the group was desperate to find a gasoline station with a public restroom. The guys could and did easily run into a wooded area to relieve themselves, but Rayne was afraid to go into the woods by herself. By now they were all painfully aware of “the rules” and they knew the restroom in the dilapidated station they found just before dawn was going to be Whites Only.

Choosing between two unthinkable outcomes, Rayne decided she could not finish the trip into Jackson with urine-defiled underwear and Bermuda shorts. She took a deep breath, muttered a prayer to whatever deity might be listening at this early hour, and ran to the disgusting closet in the side of the building that was marked White Ladies. Looking around in dismay, she wondered what on earth the restroom for Colored Women would have looked like, had they bothered to provide one.

Grateful and truly *relieved* Rayne was now terrified to open the door of the restroom to return to the car. She was right to be fearful. The flashing red light of a black and white patrol car hit her between the eyes as she stepped out into the muggy dawn. Doc was being interrogated by the local constable. He told Doc that there had been a radio alert for a car full of northern meddlers heading for Jackson. One of the other students gestured secretly to Rayne to sneak around the back of the building while he and the others blocked the cop’s vision. She did that while wondering if she shouldn’t return to the restroom instead; her terror was having a bad effect on her sphincters.

Rayne slipped into the far back door of Doc’s car and crouched on the floor, praying that the cop had already searched the car. Eventually, Doc and the boys returned to the car and the scowling, red-faced officer slowly – extra slowly -- drove the patrol car away. It was just in time, too, because Rayne shoved open the car door as her traumatized stomach emptied its contents onto the pavement.

The car was totally silent for the remainder of the trip into Tougaloo, Mississippi. Rayne stared out the window, watching the nothingness of the fields of unknown crops whiz by, processing all that had happened since leaving that peaceful, utopian campus that now seemed eons away.

During the 17-hour trip, Rayne and a red-haired hunk (to her, anyway) from Canada had begun to develop a more-than-platonic interest in each other. Reid was enrolled in the same history class that Rayne attended dutifully and he did not. He showed up for the quizzes and tests, aced them always, and returned to cutting the lectures. They would have barely noticed one another were it not for his fiery, curly hair and her exotic, café au lait looks. The close quarters in the back seat combined with Reid’s natural tendency to protect distressed damsels caused a few sparks to fly.

The ragtag group of disillusioned scholars and their teacher were received warmly by the Dean of Tougaloo College and the same group of students who had spent a week at Ripon College, Rayne’s storybook school. Clearly in need of food, showers and sleep, the visitors were shepherded to their dorm rooms and given trays of food from the cafeteria to take along.

Rayne fell on her back onto the thin mattress and stared at the ceiling. What had she done? How much danger were they in? How was she going to explain all this to her mother?


~To be Continued~