Tuesday, February 26, 2013

My Day With the Neurologist

 

You know how every time you go to a different doctor – whether it be for a consultation or a test – the first thing you get is a clipboard full of forms to fill out?  God, I hate that.  Especially after I found out that all that information was already in the doctor’s computer!

Anyway, today I endured yet another interrogation from my 6’5” Romanian specialist who has been the latest to tackle the mystery of what ails me.  I could literally feel the evidence piling up as my answer to each question led to another.

Then we took a look at my brain.  First time I’ve ever seen that sucker, so it was great to see I had one.  He flipped from one view to another and back again, staring hard at certain spots that were barely perceptible to my layman’s eyes. 

Finally, he took the cursor and pointed to the spots that turned out to be lesions.  Instead of the three I had been told about by my primary doctor, we counted six.  That’s when I started holding my breath. 

I asked questions.  Are those the lesions?  That one looks pretty big.  No, he said they are actually very small.  My legs were swinging back and forth nervously as I sat perched on the edge of the examination table.

Then he tested my coordination.  He tolds me it’s “off.”  I’m pretty surprised by that.

Twice he peered into my eyes with that light they use.  I waited in vain for some hint as to what he was or wasn’t seeing there.

Next came the reflex hammer.  Hot and cold test.  Walk in the hallway the way they do for sobriety tests.  Close my  eyes and jump up and down for a full minute.

And then he turned from his computer and said,

“How do I put this?”

My heart sank as the breath I had been holding unconsciously escaped loudly from my chest. 

“I am 80% sure that you have a mild case of multiple sclerosis.  I would like to do at least two more tests, maybe three.  Don’t panic.  (He was watching my face.)  You have been exhibiting symptoms, off and on, for at least the past 5 years, maybe more, and you are still leading an active life.  If the tests confirm what we suspect, there are medications that can significantly slow the progression of your symptoms.  And no matter how severe your mother’s MS has been for the past 44 years since she was diagnosed, it doesn’t have any bearing on the prognosis for your case.   They are all unique.”

Fortunately, my son had invited me to the set of the TV show he is in town shooting today to watch him do his scenes with actress Gabrielle Union.  I didn’t have time to sink into the doldrums, I had to drive across town.  Then, of course, parental pride overrode panic and self-pity, once I sat and watched take after take after take for the different camera angles.  It was a new and exciting experience for this doting mom.

And the beat goes on.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

No, I Am NOT Different, Dammit!

black and white yin and yang

I’ve just participated in a marathon comment thread on a post by fellow blogger Ron Powell.  If you have the time to read more than 250 comments, some of which are worthy of posts in their own right, you won’t regret it.  In essence, a handful of prolific left-leaning reader/writers attempt to have a conversation with a frequent commenter who believes it is possible for black people to be racists.

Eventually, there came a point in that thread that reminded me of just how many times in my 68 years on Earth I have been told the following:

You aren’t like most black people.

You are different.

You are a credit to your race.

I don’t even think of you as black.

All the people who made these statements and others like them really believed they were giving me a compliment.  They thought they were telling me how much they admired me, enjoyed me, and learned from me.

What they were really telling me, though, would have been shocking as hell to them if I were to have let them in on it.

You aren’t like most black people. = Most black people are dark, stupid, loud, scary, dishonest and smell funny.

You are different. = You speak proper English, you are not angry all the time, you do not frighten me and you are smarter than I am.

You are a credit to your race. = You have learned how to behave the way my people prefer that you behave.  You are light, bright and almost white.

I don’t even think of you as black. = You are so similar to me and my people, I have stopped noticing the color of your skin, which isn’t all that different from mine anyway.

The reason it is not possible for black people to be racists is because blackness is not the standard of comparison in America.  If the situation were reversed and some African nation had sailed the seven seas looking for the New World and stumbled upon the eastern shores of what is now the good old USA; if when they got here they immediately decided the native people they found here were savage heathens who needed to be displaced, removed, killed or assimilated; if the majority of the wealth of America was concentrated in the top 1% of black families and the majority of the members of Congress, the Supreme Court and the 44 Presidents were black men, THEN African Americans could be racists.

No, black people can be and sometimes are prejudiced against people who are not black, but they are not racist.  Black people can be cliquish and exclusionary in their daily lives, but they cannot be racist.  They can segregate themselves, by choice, when selecting tables in a school cafeteria or at entertainment venues.  They can call white people names such as honkies and crackers and Mr. Charlie and peckerwoods and grey dudes and Caspars.  But there is no possible way for an African American to be racist.

Having this conversation with people who believe we black folks should just get over the fact that people like us were slaves who built the very foundation of the country “they” call “this great country” is exhausting, exasperating and essential. Until I and those like me who are willing to put in the time and endure the frustration that comes from engaging in these dizzyingly circular exchanges are able to get conservatives to understand the real meaning of racism; until we are able to chip away at the denial that pervades the thinking typical of many politically right-leaning Americans, we must keep talking.

I am not different.  I am not the same.  I am no different than thousands of other people of African descent who were lucky enough to be born into families with adults who actually understand what it means to be an adult and a parent.  Many of the black kids in my segregated suburban Chicago neighborhood had that same kind of luck.  People who were raised within a two-block radius of my house grew up to be doctor’s, attorneys, pharmacists, corporate managers and teachers. 

Nor am I the same. In that same geography, we had girls who were impregnated by their biological fathers, single mothers on welfare, abject poverty and petty criminals. I am not the same as any of those people.  In other words, my little neighborhood was a microcosm of American society.

Why then, must I be considered different if I am one of a huge number of equally civilized, equally or better-educated, and equally law-abiding African Americans?  Why is the comparison used by America’s conservatives always with the minority of my community who lead aberrant lives, choose crime and drugs and end up disproportionately represented in the penal institutions across the nation? 

Why do I have to write a post like this?  Do we judge white people based on their lowest performing individuals?  Quite the contrary.  All white people are assumed to be good Americans until they prove themselves otherwise, unless they choose to present themselves in a totally aberrant fashion.  Someone who works hard, follows the rules, raises his/her kids well, pays their taxes and spend their days mostly sober is just another regular person in the eyes of white Americans, as long as that person is white.  What do we people of color have to do to be measured by the same metrics?

I urge people on both sides of this issue to start talking – to each other and to the opposition.  Be honest, but not insulting.  It IS possible.  Look inward and ask yourself if you are prejudiced against any group.  It could be against red heads.  It could be against police officers.  It could be against skinny people.  Face your biases and examine them.  Are they rational?  Does everyone in that group really exhibit all the traits you assign to that group?

No one is saying these conversations are going to be easy.  On the contrary, they are arduous and will require a great deal of self-control.  When you start to “lose it” and are contemplating calling the other person an asswipe, don’t.  Instead, remind yourself that if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Poor Rubio. His Speech was Water-boarded

 

Marco Rubio is a good-looking, smooth-talking political animal.  He side-stepped the dubious Time Magazine characterization of him as a “savior” deftly enough to put a lid on the jokesters of late night. 

Because I prefer to hear both sides of just about any story, I stayed tuned for Rubio’s Republican answer to President Obama’s State of the Union address.  He got off to an impressive start, learning from Michelle Bachmann’s mistakes and looking directly into the camera, which seemed to be inches from his boyish face.

The first time he reach up and wiped the side of his face, I thought little of it.  But the second, third and fourth times got me to thinking about how distracting those beads of sweat must have been for him, because they certainly were for me.  I was pretty bored by the same old warmed-up GOP campaign rhetoric he was delivering by then and it was easy for me to stop listening and just keep worrying about that sweat pouring of the sides of Rubio’s face.  I imagined one trickling into his eye before he could catch it, and wondered if her would squint through it while the salt stung his eye to tears.

Then came one of the most awkward moves I have ever seen on live television.  I guess all that sweating had depleted Rubio’s supply of body fluids and his mouth was getting drier and drier.  With that camera trained on his tonsils, there was really no suave way for him to reach the one item he needed to slake that thirst.

All of a sudden Rubio’s head slid down the center of the screen, then leaned diagonally , almost disappearing altogether.  Was he fainting?  WTH?  Ah, there was the water bottle and the dainty attempt at taking a sip without the world audience noticing.  The look on his face was hilarious, like a little kid who had just swiped a sip of Grandpa’s beer. 

THEN, instead of just holding the bottle in his hand and out of camera range, he leaned once again over to wherever that bottle had been perched to replace it!

The Public Relations woman in me rolled her eyes heavenward.  Whatever points Rubio scored at the beginning of the speech went flying out of the shot with that bottle.  The Twittersphere lit up with joke after joke after joke.

@jamespoyser: "I don’t always drink water, but when I do, I prefer to be awkward. Stay thirsty my friends."

From Democratic strategist Paul Begala:  "Marco Rubio, the man you want to have a desperate gulp of water with."

And from Marco Rubio himself?

Rubio tweet

Maybe this guy has the chops he’s going to need to “save” the Republicans from themselves.  He has a sense of humor, something sorely lacking in the Stupid Party.  Jindal's words, not mine.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My Mind is on Spin Cycle

 

Thoughts twirl and spin.  So many topics.  So many issues.  State of the Union? Who really knows?  We really need to care.

Guns are a constitutional right.  Why?  Some think the government will run amok. Others fear people who are have-nots want theirs.

Guns are made for one purpose.  To maim or kill.  Hunt for food or hunt for sport?  Is there a difference? Should there be?  How many people today really need to hunt to put meat on their tables?  Shoot at a bull’s eye target…that’s sport.  Shoot at a living creature…something dies.

I watched another British eight-part series called World Without End.  Told about England’s King Edward II.  He wasn’t a great king – didn’t even want to be one.  Not especially good at conquering.  Sexually attracted to other men, but did his kingly duty by marrying French Queen Isabella and siring four children.  Very well-done series. 

Struck most by the cavalier attitude toward human life, especially those of the peasantry.  Hangings were daily affairs, attended as spectacle by all in town, including the children. It wasn’t enough just to execute.  Manner of death was determined by the King’s desire to humiliate.  Let’s hang him and eviscerate him before he passes out.

Lots of pissing and moaning over drones today.  I thought of that as I watched the English King’s army battle the French.  There was no long-distance aspect at all.  Want to kill they guy?  You’ve gotta get up close and personal.  Gotta put some heft behind that thrusting sword, wear the spurting blood and feel the flesh give way.  Hear the crunch of bone.  Instead of sitting at a computer screen launching unseen missiles and unmanned flying machines toward a target we hope we’ll hit without too much collateral damage, Middle Ages warriors had to put skin in the game…and blood…and guts…and, sometimes, their heads.  Literally.  It is getting much easier to kill without witnessing the slaughter. 

And people wonder where the American culture of violence originated.

Then there are the lesions the MRI discovered on my brain.  Inconclusive as to diagnosis.  Can’t be good.  Could be catastrophic.  Doctor says it is not uncommon to find in sixty-somethings with a history of high blood pressure.  BUT, it could be multiple sclerosis, like your mother has.  Or some other autoimmune disorder.  Or not.  Must wait to see neurologist on the 26th.  Tell myself it’s going to happen.  Sooner or later, the body starts to give out.

Why are some people so combative?  Most of us try to make a point and be done with it.  You disagree?  That’s okay, tell me why.  But others seem to want to vent their spleens at every turn.  You disagree?  You are an idiot.  Not just an idiot, a f**king idiot.  It takes all the enjoyment out of conversation.  It makes me decide to take a hike.  Maybe that’s what they want to happen.

Will I run out of money before I run out of life? Probably. 

I need a nap.  Or a drink.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Have You Ever Heard Sixto Rodriguez?

 

It’s not that often that I stumble across something that excites me to the point of spending ten bucks to download a music album.  Why pay when one can find the same music on Spotify?

Yesterday I was jumping around on the web and came across a complete list of the 2013 Oscar nominations.  It’s no secret, since I wrote a blog about it, (grin) that I have seen all the movies nominated this year for the Oscar for Best Picture.  What I hadn’t seen was the nominee for Best Documentary.  It is Searching for Sugar Man.

I don’t want to spoil the magic of this movie for you, and I do hope you will find a way to see it someday.  Suffice it to say that it has led me to the discovery of a talent so huge, it is often compared to Bob Dylan’s. And I have never, ever heard of this man: Sixto Rodriguez.

Have you?

 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Claustrophobia and MRI Don’t Mix

 

It all started when I was about eleven.  Being from the suburbs, we didn’t have much need for elevators.  Seemed like everything was on ground level back then. Mama took my sister and me to visit one of her work friends in The City.  This lady lived in a brand new hi-rise overlooking Lake Michigan. 

I always wanted to be one step ahead of everybody else, even back then.  So, when the bell dinged signaling the arrival of the elevator, I rushed in, eyes ablaze with excitement and wonder over the impending ride. I don’t know how or why it happened, but the doors on the elevator closed before Mama and my sister got in.  I was alone.  I had no idea how to “run” this contraption.  The few others I had encountered always had an operator on board.  This one had nothing but rows of buttons.Stuck in elevator

I screamed bloody murder while that elevator rose to the top of the building, stopped momentarily and began to re-descend.  Eventually, Mama made the stupid thing stop by pressing the button on the bottom floor.

Since that time I have lived with a fairly severe case of claustrophobia.  I demand aisle seats in theaters and airplanes.  I refuse to be escorted to a doctor’s examining room until I am sure the doctor is either already in there or is on the way. I avoid crowds at all costs. 

This morning I had an appointment to have my head examined.  Literally.  I was to have an MRI of my brain to try to ascertain the possible cause of some neurological issues I’ve been having.  The last time I was required to have a CT scan, I was only in “the tube” for a few seconds before my eyes started twirling in circles (at least that’s the way it felt) and I broke out in a cold sweat.  Fortunately, I was able to endure the relatively brief test without totally freaking out.

MRI machineThis one was quite different.  Not only was this test conducted in a much bigger machine, I was going to be required to lie perfectly still for an entire 45 minutes.  After 35 of those minutes had passed, I would be pulled out in order for the technician to inject a contrast dye into my vein, while I don’t move a muscle.

The first thing I did was hit the rest room.  Twice.  Nothing would screw up this process more than if I needed to make a pit stop 20 minutes in.  Next I requested a blindfold.  I have learned that claustrophobia is primarily a visual phenomenon; if I can’t see that I am confined, the phobia won’t kick in…or so I hoped.

Those readers who have endured an MRI know already that it is not humanly possible to fall asleep during the procedure, although the nice lady said some people do.  Earplugs are standard issue, so the decibel level inside that tube is ear-splitting.  Those who fall asleep must be stone cold deaf!

During the first few seconds, I fought panic.  My breathing was shallow and far too frequent.  My eyes remained squeezed shut throughout the test, so there was a regular light show going on behind my eyelids. 

To calm down, I visualized what I usually resort to when panicked: a waterfall.  Realizing that wasn’t going to be helpful in keeping my mind off my bladder, I switched to writing a blog post in my mind.  That’s when the noises started.

Thumps, rhythmic clangs and percussive repetitions seemed to come from somewhere near my plugged right ear.  When the sounds switched to chops, I decided I would take my first ever helicopter ride.  But just as I was above the ground and hanging on for dear life as the pilot made a sharp left turn, the sound stopped.

Not knowing what to expect next, but knowing there was no way that 35 minutes had already passed, I again began to hyperventilate. No!  No!  Stop it! Breathe deeply!  Relax each vertebrae…one…two…three…four…phew…

Suddenly the machine began to knock, 42 times in a row.  Yes, I counted them.  How else could I stay focused, calm?  There were a total of 8 of these 42-knock segments.  By this time I was totally relaxed – until the cramp began to form between my shoulder blades.  No big deal, I tell myself. I live my entire life with something hurting somewhere. 

That’s when the corner of my right eyelid began to itch.  Uh- huh.  Try ignoring that!  That spot had been itching for two days now.  Usually, it happens in reaction to some fragrance.  Was it the new shampoo?  I started singing.  I didn’t know if the act of singing would create movement in my brain, so I switched to humming one of my collections of earworms.  “These are a few of my favorite thinggggggssss…la la, la la la, la la la, la la la.”

I was also freezing.  The nice lady offered me a blanket in the beginning, but I declined.  My problem is usually quite the opposite, what with the occasional personal summers I host.  Now it felt as if icicles were forming inside my capillaries.  So I thought about glowing charcoal and blast furnaces.  Even Hell.

“Ms. B, you can get up now.  We are all finished.  You did great!” Huh?  Where had I just been?  There was a gap in my consciousness.  Did I actually fall asleep or did I just hypnotize my fool self? 

That sense of triumph we competitive types get whenever we win…anything…spread over me like a shower of honey.  Hah!  I did it.  Oh, happy day.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Why I Don’t Hate, Resent or Envy the Rich

 

Rich man with moneyThere seems to be an active and vocal group of people on the political left who have a lot of negative feelings about wealthy Americans.  Every time I read a comment on a blog post that asserts some version of “Screw the rich. They are selfish, pampered, clueless elitists who don’t give a damn about me,” I wonder why I am almost always put off by the sentiment.

It’s certainly not because of my own life of privilege and abundant resources. I was born with many or most of the strikes against a baby one can have in this country.  Female. Working class family of factory workers, postal carriers, bus drivers and secretaries. Mixed race but perceived as “colored.”  Child in the midst of raging alcoholism. 

As a little girl one of my most favorite treats was to take a drive with my grandfather at the wheel and ogle the stately mansions lined up along the northern shores of Lake Michigan, near Chicago.  I would strain to see into the windows as we drove by, trying to understand what kind of people could live in such lavish digs.  I would ask just about every time we took the drive, but the answer never changed.

“Those are rich white people, Punkin.”

“Where do the rich colored people live?”  I only asked that once, though.  The laughter that ensued after the first time made me understand it was a silly question to have asked.

I had only recently discovered that I was somehow different than my friend Harrianne, who lived across the street.  She was the one who told me I was colored and she was white.  And although she actually appeared to me to be rather pink, which is a color too, I ran home and asked what she was talking about.

That was about the only difference there was between our two families.  Our houses were almost identical side-by-side duplexes and the furnishings inside were very similar.  The kitchen smells were different though.  Harrianne was Polish and my Czech great-grandmother, who did all the cooking on weekdays, didn’t like Polish cuisine.  I went to a private Catholic school, while Harrianne went to a private Lutheran school. 

At the dinner table, when my grandfather was coherent enough to have a discussion about the daily news, he often used words like plutocrat and Mrs. Gotrocks.   His disdainful tone was used when he talked about his bosses at work or some other person in authority.  My grandmother talked a lot about Mrs. Astor, especially when I behaved in a demanding kind of way.

I, for whatever reason, didn’t learn to resent the wealth of The Others.  I dreamed about becoming one of them, but at the same time I chose professional aspirations that equated, in my own mind, to helping people.  I knew from early on that those professions – teacher, nurse, social worker, etc. – were not the kinds of jobs that lead to what I perceived to be wealth.

And what about that? Perception.

In my neighborhood, rich was being able to get a new car every three years and to own your own home.  As absurd as it was looking back on it, a lot of my friends thought my family was rich because my sister and I always wore nice clothes.  Little did they know how much my mother mismanaged her modest earnings to make that so.

Being rich does not mean you have lots of money.  We are rich with love.  We are rich with faith and good morals.  We are rich with the tools we need to survive, like the ability to read and write.  Besides, being rich creates problems of its own.  Rich men are always worrying about counting their money or having somebody steal their money.  We don’t have to worry about any of that!”  That Grandpa had it all figured out.

We each join our families as an accident of birth.  Some are born into wealthy families, some into very poor families. and others fall somewhere in between.  None of us got a vote.  What we all do is learn to function within the family the accident of birth gives us.

So, no, I don’t begrudge anybody their big houses, fleets of cars, airplanes and yachts.  Those things are nice, but after becoming an adult I have learned just how much work owning all that stuff requires.  Rich families have just as many personal problems as poor families.  Their children still lose their ways sometimes. Their husbands and wives still argue and fight, have extramarital affairs, suffer mental illnesses and botch the child raising.  And yes, they have money problems, too; just not at the same level as the rest of us. 

It is not the individual wealthy person who creates our country’s social problems.  It is the merging of wealthy people into corporations and conglomerates and monopolies. When they collectively lose their focus about the well-being of their workers as they pursue ever-increasing profits, that’s where the problems lie.

I don’t get all bent out of shape because Ann Romney can indulge in her expensive thoroughbred hobby.  It’s her money.  I don’t really care how much she spends on a tee-shirt or a pair of shoes.  But I do care about what her husband does in his businesses to disregard the needs of the people on whose backs he created the ability to pay for his wife’s indulgences.  I do care if the desire to enrich stockholders takes precedence over paying workers a livable wage. 

It makes no sense to me to be jealous of someone who has more money and possessions than I have.  Now that I have been reduced to a kind of subsistence existence, owning nothing but my clothes, furniture and automobile, there are many times I think the rich should be jealous of me.  I have abandoned dreams of acquisition.  I have learned to appreciate the multitudinous sources of joy and well-being that surround me daily and cost nothing. 

My own hard work in the very corporations that recently took this country for a wild economic ride  paid off with a small monthly pension and pretty good health insurance.  My basic needs are meetable.

Some might accuse me of the Sweet Lemons idiom (the opposite of Sour Grapes.) The truth is, though, I have never been happier.  When I was far better off financially, I was driven, stressed out, and exhausted from trying to maintain that status. 

Sadly, all things are relative.  There are too many people reading this post who are struggling daily just to put food on the table.  If I use my Grandpa’s line of reasoning, I am rich and therefore have no reason to hate, resent or envy anyone.