“Great, Thanks! Yours?”

 

A Facebook friend of mine posted that sign yesterday.  This morning, a neighbor who was driving past me and my dog Coqui stopped, lowered the window and shouted “How was your Christmas?”

“Great,” I lied.  “Yours?”

“Very nice,” she yelled.

So, I am a liar.  I am a terrible person who lies in order to 1) save my breath as well as my face; and 2) Avoid the glazed over stare of the person who mindlessly asked me a question concerning my well-being or lack thereof.

Here is what I would have said, had I not elected to flat-out lie:

“Well, I wasn’t really feeling the Christmas thing to begin with, so I was dragging my ass a bit as I rang my sister’s doorbell at exactly 1:30 p.m. Christmas Day. I arrived as planned, a half hour earlier than the time she said my nephew and his kids were asked to appear.  I knew my retail-employed sister was scheduled to be at her large chain store location at 4 a.m.the day after Christmas, which meant she’d have to arise at 2:30 a.m. (Yikes, that’s pretty unreal!)  So I brought my assigned items (dinner rolls and egg nog, because she thinks she is the only one who knows how to cook, but I do make homemade rolls; but I didn’t because it is a waste of time because the two kids are the only ones besides me who even bother with them at dinner.

Anyway, my nephew, who is notorious for his lack of consideration when it comes to keeping schedules, didn’t arrived at the prescribed time.  He didn’t bother answering his phone when his mother called at 2:30 p.m. to see if he was on his way.  He didn’t answer at 3..or 3:30…or 3:45 either. 

Noting the smoke starting to drift from her ears, I tried to fill the silence by asking what time she would get off from work the next day.  She said 11 a.m., to which I said, “Oh, that’s not so bad…I guess.”

Said she:  “No, it’s not so bad because YOU don’t have to do it.”

I must have looked exactly the way someone should look after having her head bitten off and I did let out a rather long and loud sigh. I slnked off to the farthest away from my fuming hostess and vowed not to open my mouth the rest of the day.  But no, that wouldn’t do either.

Sister Dearest realized what she had done, but instead of apologizing, she acted as if she never took a bite out of my ass and started making small talk about my exercise regimen, my son, etc. I answered as if I weren’t still stung.

But then her 21-year-old grandson, who had driven himself from his home and was on time, decided to try to fill the next pregnant pause by saying something akin to “so how’s it going, Nana?” 

“STOP TRYING TO MAKE SMALL TALK!  YOU KNOW I’M PISSED!”  She didn’t whisper.

At 4 p.m. – a full two hours late – the doorbell rang and my nephew and crew entered. 

And all hell broke loose.   I withdrew to a neutral corner of my mind, but by this time I, too, was rather irritated by my nephew’s lack of respect for his mother.  She yelled something about being disrespected.  He tried to say he thought she told him dinner was at 3, but, of course, that was not working, mainly because it was FOUR O’CLOCK! 

Meanwhile, my sister’s longtime companion arrived, walking into the middle of what must have looked like an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  He wisely decided to stay out of it and instead walked over to me, saying:

“How are you?”

“Fine,” I replied with a weak smile. “How are you?”

Later, after I hadn’t uttered a word for nearly two hours, my sister asked me if I was okay… why was I so quiet?

“I’m fine,” I said, feigning surprise.  I really wanted to bolt out the door and drive to the safety of my empty home.

Looks like I really am a liar. If I had told the truth, it would have been necessary to explain why I had responded “It sucked.”  As we all know, the passing driver really didn’t want to know how my Christmas was unless it was “Great.”  And who the hell wants to reveal the truth: that her family is just as screwed up as everybody else’s?

Happy New Year to you, too!